On the Third Floor

That plastic is ever so soft, ever so clean, and it makes you think about the water in a small inlet on a secluded Caribbean island, doesn't it? It is blue, as well, which completes the image ever so nicely.

Go ahead...go ahead, honey child, and put the wig on your head. It feels good, doesn't it? You know that wig is made of 98% post-consumer waste, so it is what we in the early twenty-first century used to call “green.” No, no, sweetie...it is definitely not green in color – it is only “green” in the sense that it makes people feel good about reusing non-renewable resources to satisfy their vanity. Go ahead, put it on your sweet little melon.

There. Isn't that nice? Let me tell you a little about that particular wig, honey child. This particular wig was woven and crafted from the spun fibers of recycled Frisbees. Well, to be on the safe side in regards to copyright law, I suppose we should say that it is from the spun fibers of recycled flying discs. These were hand-picked flying discs, though, selected from among a wide variety of flying discs harvested on disc-golf courses across southern California. Only blue discs were harvested. You can almost smell the patchouli on the fibers, can't you? Those disc golfers are such ecologically-sensitive athletes, you know. I am sure that the patchouli oil was made from only organic, free-range patchoulis that were spared any laboratory testing and whose fat was rendered using low-temperature boilers so as not to require the purchase of carbon offsets.

Wig hooks? No, of course not, honey child, this wig does not require the use of wig hooks. My, my, my, no...this particular wig is held in place by a detachable iron framework that can be anchored to titanium stanchions implanted in the wig-owner's cranium. It is a swift, painless procedure, performed under the administration of only a local anesthesia. If one prefers, one can use this dedicated epoxy in lieu of the framework and stanchions, but it is a less-permanent option. If one plans on being in high winds or becoming inverted during the wearing of the wig, one should opt for the framework and stanchions, of course, honey child.

The life-expectancy of wig-wearers? Of this particular wig? Well, honey child, I do have to inform you...that is, it becomes my duty to inform you that there is a slight issue with the life-span of one who might select this wig as one's own. It is a challenging problem at this point. Most owners of this particular wig will find themselves permanently unable to perform metabolic functions within 3 to 5 years from the time of purchase and subsequent wearing of said wig. Metabolic functions? Well, that is to say, they die. We believe, or rather, doctors who have been studying the matter believe it is due to a combination of carcinogenic elements contained in the fibers of the wig as residue from the manufacturing process and the use of steel pins tipped with depleted uranium to anchor the wig to the scalp during wear. No, these are separate from the iron framework and titanium stanchions. The pins serve only as a positioning aid. You will understand how they work once you begin wearing the wig yourself. Yet these are all very minor issues when you consider what a stylish wig this is, would you not agree?

Thank you so much, honey child. Here is your receipt.


(Originally appeared in Weirdyear, 11 May 2011)