03 February 2012

Back By Popular Demand...

"When Love Doth Blossom" - Back by reader request! Thank you!  (As always, click to read!)

On a pleasant summer day in Weaverton, little Mikey Nitrous leaned back in his lawn chair and blew a contented smoke ring from between his piously-puckered lips. It had been a long, wearying morning, as little Mikey had made a habit of giving root canals to the neighborhood children every Tuesday in the summer months – a real cottage industry, as it were. This was little Mikey's attempt at charitable outreach to the less-enlightened peoples of Weaverton, and as an orthodox fish tickler he thought it his duty to spread the good news whenever he could.

Little Mikey Nitrous was not accustomed to smoking such a high quality juniper hybrid such as was in his pipe that very instant, and the piney flavor lifted his spirits even higher than they already were. The piney little wisps of smoke curled deep down into his lungs and left their tarry, pitch-y goodness in his alveoli, and Michael silently made a pledge to only smoke the finest juniper from now on. It was just as he was making this silent resolution that Amanda Polyvinyl walked up to his sidewalk root canal stand. Amanda's family had changed their name to Polyvinyl some years ago, well before Amanda was born. Their old family name had been “Hitler,” and Amanda's father said it reminded people too much of the cheapskate crack dealer who lived up on 53rd Street. Hence the change to “Polyvinyl.”

How's business, Mikey?” asked sweet Amanda Polyvinyl, her golden curls shining in the radioactive sunlight of Weaverton.

Brilliant,” said Mikey, “the busiest morning I've had all summer long.”

You must be tired,” continued Amanda, “probably too tired for another root canal, I bet.” She slowly lowered her chin to her chest and her golden curls fell around her face.

Aww, heck...I always have energy for another root canal,” replied Mikey, beaming.

Really?” asked Amanda, raising her head.

You bet! Have a seat!” Mikey started up his hamster-powered autoclave and started preparing the gin and laudanum mixture that was his anesthetic of choice. “You like your poison straight up or on the rocks?”

Straight up,” replied Amanda, taking a seat and removing a lizard from her back pocket. This she placed on Mikey's counter as advance payment.

After Amanda had downed the cocktail, Mikey got straight to work and completed the root canal in record time and with a special artistic flourish. He tenderly and lovingly wiped the excess saliva from her chin as he finished his work.

There you go, Amanda, all done.”

Thag goo so fuch,” said a swooney Amanda, the gin and laudanum still coursing through her system, “I dode dough how to thag goo enuv.”

Aww, heck...it was my pleasure. It always is. See you next Tuesday for another one?” said little Mikey Nitrous, handing her the lizard.

Ohgay...buh dode doo wann de lidduhd?”

Aww, heck no...you just keep your lizard. I was just happy to be able to wipe your saliva from your chin...it made me feel all kind of fluttery inside,” said Mikey.

Amanda blushed as he handed back the lizard. “Dudd diss mead we ah godeid stedduh?”

Mikey blanched. “Whoa! Wait a second! I just said I liked wiping your saliva! Don't get any big ideas...!”

Amanda blushed even more. “Soddey,” she said, “id mudd be de gidd.”

Or the laudanum,” said Mikey. “It's OK. Don't worry about it. But I'll see you next Tuesday, right?”

Yoo bedd!” said Amanda, her eyes sparkling again, “I wuddad bidd id foh awd de dee id Jyenah!”

Great!” said Mikey, turing back to his autoclave.

Grade!” said Amanda, as she turned to head home.

And then with an amorous wink, Mikey called after her, “Amanda, by the way...next week, leave your lizard at home, OK?”

Ohgay!” cried the happiest little girl on that pleasant summer day in Weaverton.

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