He just stood there.
The dirty milkman just stood in line, doing his little shaky-leg
dance (don't you just love the shaky-leg dance?), and rolling his
greasy-looking little eyeballs back into his skull. The line was a
long one, but he seemed to be patient, aside from the shaky-leg
dance, which made him appear antsy (you know how it makes people look
antsy, don't you?).
“So you
kick them too?” I asked.
“Doesn't
everyone?” he said, staring up into his skull.
I thought about
this. I couldn't really decide if everybody kicked
pigeons when they had free time, or if it was just people like the
dirty milkman and his pigeon-kicking compadres. Milkmen have so few
joys in life, I reasoned. We might as well let them have this one
simple pleasure.
So I strolled away
to find the liverwurst I had come seeking. Might you remember the
liverwurst sandwiches that your mother used to make for you when you
were young? Do you remember the white bread – Wonder Bread, it
might have been. No more of that. There was full-fat mayonnaise, of
the variety that has been banned in California and New York State
because of its fat content and whiteness. Finally there was the
liverwurst – plump, pink and salty, smelling like liver sausage
should. I had come over to the East Village (no, not THAT East
Village – the one in Davenport) to the one place I could still find
the illusive, illegal, and tasty liverwurst.
I walked into Gypsy
Dan's little shop. The place smelled of incense and onions, and I
could barely see Gypsy Dan through the haze. There was some kind of
sitar music or some such crap playing lightly in the background. As
I approached the counter I saw that it was coming from a hairy, dirty
hippie who was seated on the floor, strumming away and smoking a
zucchini.
“Any requests,
man?” asked the hippie on the floor.
“Do you know 'Okie
from Muskogee'?” I asked.
The hippie shook his
head.
“How about 'In My
Merry Oldsmobile'?”
The hippie ignored
me and started playing something that sounded vaguely like the
Beatles. Or was it the Rolling Stones? It didn't matter. It all
sounds the same, especially when played on a sitar by a dirty, stoned
hippie.
Gypsy Dan stood
before me at long last, smiling and nodding his head.
“You got it?” I
asked.
“Sure as hell,”
said Gypsy Dan, handing over a brown paper sack.
I reached out to
take it when all hell broke loose. A seven-man tactical squad in
black ballistic nylon burst through the door. All we heard was the
sound of rustling rip-stop, breaking glass and men shouting “Hut!
Hut! Hut!” Gypsy Dan hit the floor with his hands behind his head.
The dirty hippie dropped his sitar and threw his hands up in the
air. I froze in place with the bag of liverwurst in my outstretched
hand and was knocked to the ground by a man with a short-barreled
shotgun and night vision equipment. The bag was swept from my hand
and my wrists were zip-tied together. I laid there on the floor,
face-down and afraid to move. The tactical squad left as quickly as
they had burst in, and Gypsy Dan's shop fell perfectly silent.
After a long, long
time I heard Gypsy Dan get up off the floor. He came over and cut me
free from the zip tie.
“Damn,” he said,
“I guess a guy's gotta' be more careful with 'wurst these days.”
I nodded my head and
rubbed my wrist.
“I'm gonna' have
to go back to hiding the stuff in bags full of meth.”
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