Squeaks and Hollows

He sat for a long time under the buzz of that fluorescent bulb – so long that he thought he might manage to get something of a suntan. No suntan was forthcoming, however, and he only managed to singe the small, seductive hairs around his navel. Seductive they were, for they spoke of neaderthal dreams and cro-magnon fantasies. Hulking foreheads protruding into the personal space of a wet-bottomed flesh crawler.

Prinny held the fluorescent bulb in place, and he held it until the flesh burned right off the palm of his hand. Could you smell it? Could you smell the burning flesh as he laughed? Michael had to wipe Prinny's bottom as his laughed – he was so wet and so wretchedly soiled, but poor Michael had to wipe his bottom. Prinny just laughed and laughed and laughed his throaty laugh while Michael wiped those dark, fleshy buttocks – tickling Prinny's sensitive private parts and making him laugh with all that much more gusto. Laugh, Priny, laugh.

Michael threw up all over the psych ward . He emptied the contents of his stomach (mosly – with the exception of a small portion of a “Cocoa-nutty-licious Bar” that remained undigested and lodged somewhere between his stomach and his intestine). Prinny liked that. Prinny smiled and laughed again, jiggling his parts, and then standing up to wave his incompletely-wiped buttocks in poor Michael's face. Michael blanched and then laid down for a well-deserved rest. He fell asleep and drifted into the linoleum – fading right away into the flooring and making a small, faint whispering sound as he vanished. Prinny licked his lips and shook his buttocks one last time.

And so Prinny sat for a long time under the buzz of that fluorescent bulb – so long that he thought he might manage to get something of a suntan. No suntan was forthcoming, of course, and he only managed to further singe those small, seductive hairs around his navel. Had I mentioned a hulking forehead that was protruding into someone's personal space? Yes, I suppose I did, and you might even remember it if you can think back that far. But when a hulking forehead and a wet-bottomed flesh crawler with horrendously soiled, half-wiped buttocks begins to giggle, you will observe that any hulking neaderthal foreheads withdraw. They withdraw and even the very flesh of man will hesitate to take on the divinity of God. You will, won't you? For to that sublime end I leave you these pristine, pristine, f***ing pristine truths:

1. Maintain buttock cleanliness. It is next to godliness.
2. Do not laugh aloud in public.
3. Shave your navel regularly.
4. Keep your hands off the fluorescent bulbs.

Hold fast to these truths, and do not stray.