14 December 2011

Puckered Pie-loaf

Look, over there. No, more to the left and down just a bit. Do you see it? I'm sure you must be able to see it. It has slightly rounded edges and it wobbles a bit. Really now...look a bit more toward that fellow with the pile of hair on his head that looks a little like salad. Apple salad. Furry apple salad. Less like Waldorf salad and a bit more like apple salad. Yes. Definitely like furry apple salad. Look over there and I think you will see it. It is wobbling a bit just now. See it?

My cousin Janet had dropped by a little earlier today and I think that she saw it, but for just an instant. When she dropped by to loan me that pipe wrench and the little bit of crystal meth. I mean “teflon tape.” Forget I said crystal meth. She loaned me the pipe wrench that you see sitting over there in the corner and I gave her a covered glass dish filled with raw onions. She said it was a fair trade and that she had many uses for them. Janet is good that way. Anyhow, she saw it for just an instant. It wobbled out into view, and then it wobbled back behind that crusty outcropping. Yes, the outcropping that looks so very crusty. “Crust” is such a nice term, you know, when it refers to the outside shell of grandmother's bread and the edges of grandmother's pie, but it is less appetizing when it refers to the matter in the corner of grandmother's eyes or that material in her underclothing that makes her so very uncomfortable during long bus rides across town when she shouts at people about the rain. Grandmother is nasty that way.

Well, if you would just take your eyes off that smutty, smutty book for a moment you might see it. What you find entertaining about midgets is beyond me. Look, there it goes – it just wobbled behind your leg and you did not even notice it. For a brief instant it resembled that man who took the blue plastic bags away from that place that had all the nice policemen visiting last week. It looked like him, but the little wobbling object is much better dressed and does not carry blue plastic bags. There is not that overwhelming chemical odor that stays in your nasal cavities, either. Come to think of it, grandmother has a similar issue, doesn't she? Grandmother can be nasty that way.

Well, there you go. You allowed it to get just a little too close to you, I think. How does that feel? I bet it must smart a little bit. That needle is very long and it has something of a checkerboard pattern on it, it seems. You look all swimmy-headed and as though there is something in your throat. No, on the inside of your throat, but I can see it from the outside. Have you been eating walnuts? Nevermind. I was just a bit concerned, for I was once told that a person should not eat too many walnuts when one is receiving injections of that sort. Or perhaps it is the pine nut. Or the hazelnut. Or perhaps the vaunted Brazil nut. Uncle Sweepey had such an unfortunate nickname for the Brazil nut. He called it the “crap nut,” and he would always get to calling it that after he had enjoyed two or three vodka-and-milk eggwhips. He had originally called it the “bit-of-crap-in-a-plumber's-butt-cracknut,” but he stopped calling it that because cousin Janet said it was politically incorrect and bigoted against plumbers.

There it goes again. Did you see it?

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